Let me tell you a tale of an in depth pal of my own called Angry Vagina. One intimately frustrated day, she decides to join a mobile dating software against the woman better judgment. Dared to participate in by a manhood Custodian friend of hers (technically maybe not bangable because of “nobody’s fucking company”) she is struggling to fight the process and so starts by herself commonly and blissfully towards the possibilities.

Thus we start our story with the legendary Angry V as she downloads the application onto Rose-Goldie the iphone 3gs, inserting the woman 6 finest pictures including a superstar headlining picture as included below.

Offered limited space to articulate the woman wonder, this woman is after that motivated to condense her impressive biography into many boner-inducing lines and completes the woman profile to perfection. And almost like secret, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for inspection straight away appear on the woman feed.

Per matchmaking app principles, furious Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen helps make her dried out as a bit of sandpaper or elsewhere disgusts the lady. Alternatively she must swipe appropriate if she wants to play with the fresh shaft in question.

Below we possess the advantage of observing the woman stream of consciousness as she sifts through the influx of moping scarecrows together new iphone 4.

Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes left)


Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)

Would we bang that man? Perhaps. Umm.

Recalling the significant fairy myths of her young people, Angry Vagina all of a sudden seems accountable for being therefore superficial and lends a lot more soul to the woman “swipage” as she goes on her research Prince Charming.

Behold! Me is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath spoken.

(furious V thus reinvents the fairy-tale online dating narrative, but now from inside the design of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon to buy expensive new iphone. The guy today climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, resentful V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong voice . . .)

Short man near little puppy. Pretends to get large.

(Swipes kept)

Bicycle guy really likes spandex. Balls not big enough. Please mount bike instead of lady.

(Swipes kept)

Wide range listed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubber pussy.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teen. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes left.)

Precisely why thus bald on a regular basis?

(Swipes kept)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed dudes enabled.

(Swipes remaining)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes left, punches phone in face, inserts profile photo of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(Continuing as if addicted.)

Computer software professional acting to-be interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)

Sweet abs. Eliminate butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

Excessive mustache. Facial forest outcompete old growth forest of upset Vagina.

(Swipes remaining)

Gym selfies only? Just how ’bout penis pushups.

(Swipes kept)

Oooooh! some one is hat fanatic. Must certanly be covering bald spot.

(Swipes kept)

You are living WHEREIN? Or perhaps is that where you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes kept)



Wow you love sports? Interesting. Among kind. For you personally to delete matchmaking app and get hitched.

(Swipes left)



You like to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes remaining)

Reveals himself in photograph alongside sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

Claims to be challenging it is a personal coach.

(Swipes remaining)

Children? Lady boner deceased.

(Swipes left)

Noted as “director” on profile. Of just what? Angry Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes kept)

No profile details. Hail to one photo of acne-prone skin. I would ike to go right ahead and place legs open for you today.

(Swipes left)

Pleased vegan with image of alive cucumber. Penis likely shriveled and starving for healthy protein. We’ll take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Now they’re giving me females. Swiping kept too fast?

(Swipes remaining much more slowly)

(Angry Vagina requires split to get hold of closest friend “Nongay partner” for sentimental terms via book.)

“Nongay Wife, i will be leading the opted for individuals (otherwise usually Kitteh) through the desert like Moses. Looking to acquire drinking water or manhood Custodian. I actually do perhaps not know if i’ll endure. Please deliver support.”

(Waits for response and continues pursuit.)

Oh no! Swiped correct accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive man thinks he or she is appreciated. Fuuuuuck.

(unique inspiration.)

Left-swipage is actually gradually destroying heart. Must resort to self-swipage for recovering . . .

(furious Vagina takes impromptu split. Was not prepared return to knob desert in any event.)

(small while later on, straight back on cellphone app like laboratory pet.)

Trump supporter. Sort of cute. Can’t. Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)

Nipples pointier than my own.

(Swipes left)

CEO of one thing? Exactly how many unemployed dudes are there?

(Swipes remaining)



Yes! Long hair great. Lady-boner states hi.

(Swipes correct)

Locks too long. Homeless man.

(Swipes left)



University student. Impoverishment lethal to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too-late . . .

(Swipes remaining)

Looks 8 months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes left)

Cluster shot with females! Trying to convince me personally that they like you.

(Swipes left)

Freelance hot man. Will not bang you in moms and dads’ basement.

(Swipes remaining)



Quite a few razor-sharp teeth. Might also have pointy knob. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Confident each photo in your profile is actually of different man. Resentful Vagina is confused.

(Swipes remaining)

Weird smiley face. Looks as well delighted. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes kept)

Hot guy fantastic body. Boring character and work. Swipe kept, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever married. Depressed selfish guy. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes left)

Thanks a lot for revealing peak. I am aware everything I want to know. Bless you.

(Swipes kept)

Oh no! Mobile perishing! Must swipe kept! Must. Reject. More. Mushroom-head-

And simply like this, furious Vagina has to refer to it as quits throughout the day until a phone charger can be obtained. Only for now.

Theoretically, the forced downtime will allow brand-new shaft prospects the ability to swipe directly on the woman profile today, showing their unique delusional hope of banging this lady. Most will never make a difference. Nevertheless when her very own opted for “right-swipes” come back the support, also referred to as the “mutual match”, the storyline thickens.

Patience, Furious V, Patience.



To-be proceeded . . .